To Emote or not to Emote, that is the Question.

Composed (somewhat) in my head late last night:

I am perched on the edge of the couch, computer on my lap, staring into my inbox at an email. All the good feelings of the evening drain away and are quickly replaced by anger, the kind that makes your hands shake and your body want to run 10 miles (which could also be a symptom of drinking too many red bulls, but alas, I digress and that was not the case anyhow) . Somewhere though, hidden behind the wall of my anger, standing in stark contrast, a sense of loss. Not the loss of something that didn't work out, but realizing that while I desperately want to talk to someone about this issue, at the same time I don't want to tell anyone. I fear that those whom I love are weary of hearing me lament, or vent which is really just an angry version of the former.

I sit here, lost in longing for conversation; not cheap, surface conversation or meaningless talk, "how was your day?", but real things, things that mean something and resonate. I want to admit to someone that my life still somehow seems incomplete, like I am waiting for something that in my gut I know may never happen. I suppose what I truly long for is the bliss of shared experience; those wonderful moments when you realize that there is someone else who knows exactly how you feel, someone who jumps to complete the spark you have been sending out into the void. Maybe I just want to sit here in the heat next to someone who is perfectly comfortable sitting next to me in silence, radiating warmth simply from their presence and not so much their conversations. Is that a strange request?

I have that lonely feeling that you have when you wake up from a satisfying dream only to realize that it was not reality, a loneliness that is more a sense of loss than it is actual loneliness. And there is also the desire to give a nice, hard, right hook to the person who composed the email that started this whole journey down Emotion Lane...maybe I should just stick to writing sad woe-is-me stuff and forget about that right hook :)