I do not write my blogs nearly as bluntly as I feel them, and forgive me, for this one will be no different. In all probability it will be even more shaded and verbose, hiding the nature of its subject, than most others. But that aside, let me just ponder this in writing...
I have never been good with emotion, or at least expressing it honestly. To feel emotion is to be human. Even the most hard hearted person feels, they just choose to ignore and supress. At the risk of sounding extremely redundant and simple, I feel my feelings, if you know what I mean. I feel them a great deal. Some people experience happiness in a smile or a laugh. Some people feel loneliness in just being alone and glum. Others taste desire as just a very strong want. How do you go about explaining your emotion? They are so much more than sentiments, so much more than mere words; to me they are physical experiences.
The sensation starts in my throat, just barely a tightness in my throat. It tingles down my neck, slowly making its way to my chest. the feeling undulates, coarsing through the space around my heart, where it lingers and trembles. The feeling finally makes its way home and settles in my stomach, where it feels as though the Monarch butterfly migration has just taken place. The fluttering, fanning, frenzy of a thousand tiny wings makes me nervous and excited and scared all at the same time. Most would associate this feeling with the anticipation of something good and perhaps some others, with a case of the jitters. For me it is the anticipation of something that could either be wonderful or disastrous. It is difficult at best to try and catagorize this sensation. Deep down I know why it occurs but yet I cannot exercise the least bit of control over it. In fact I despise this feeling. It causes me to lie awake for hours at night when I should be asleep. It makes me lose my appetite. I know when it is coming and I dread its arrival but I am powerless to stop it. Powerless. In that word I feel I have encapsulated my feeling. For me, Lindsay, personally and not for anyone else, this emotion I feel is like powerlessness. It is all the most primal emotions tied into one; it is fear, it is hope, it is strong desire, it is a little love, a little hate, a desperate happiness and a heart-breaking sadness. And yes it is possible to feel all these things at once! For me it is wanting something, fearing that I cannot have it, and hoping against hope that my fear is unfounded. There is only one occasion in life in which my body reacts with this unpleasant emotion. It is good though, that the feeling is rare, for it is tiresome and strength sapping to feel powerless often.
I know that this has probably made very little sense and has wasted a good five minutes of your time if you were unfortunate enough to read it. Yet some how I am not apologetic anymore. I have said what I feel in the best words I could find to convey my message. It does not have a moral, there is no way you can apply it to your life. It is simply a grammatical ride through my emotions. Honestly it has not made me feel better to write this and my throat is still tight and there are still butterflies in m stomach. I will sleep fitfully tonight and wake up with the same things on my mind. Still, my feeling now has a name and that is saying something.
I have never been good with emotion, or at least expressing it honestly. To feel emotion is to be human. Even the most hard hearted person feels, they just choose to ignore and supress. At the risk of sounding extremely redundant and simple, I feel my feelings, if you know what I mean. I feel them a great deal. Some people experience happiness in a smile or a laugh. Some people feel loneliness in just being alone and glum. Others taste desire as just a very strong want. How do you go about explaining your emotion? They are so much more than sentiments, so much more than mere words; to me they are physical experiences.
The sensation starts in my throat, just barely a tightness in my throat. It tingles down my neck, slowly making its way to my chest. the feeling undulates, coarsing through the space around my heart, where it lingers and trembles. The feeling finally makes its way home and settles in my stomach, where it feels as though the Monarch butterfly migration has just taken place. The fluttering, fanning, frenzy of a thousand tiny wings makes me nervous and excited and scared all at the same time. Most would associate this feeling with the anticipation of something good and perhaps some others, with a case of the jitters. For me it is the anticipation of something that could either be wonderful or disastrous. It is difficult at best to try and catagorize this sensation. Deep down I know why it occurs but yet I cannot exercise the least bit of control over it. In fact I despise this feeling. It causes me to lie awake for hours at night when I should be asleep. It makes me lose my appetite. I know when it is coming and I dread its arrival but I am powerless to stop it. Powerless. In that word I feel I have encapsulated my feeling. For me, Lindsay, personally and not for anyone else, this emotion I feel is like powerlessness. It is all the most primal emotions tied into one; it is fear, it is hope, it is strong desire, it is a little love, a little hate, a desperate happiness and a heart-breaking sadness. And yes it is possible to feel all these things at once! For me it is wanting something, fearing that I cannot have it, and hoping against hope that my fear is unfounded. There is only one occasion in life in which my body reacts with this unpleasant emotion. It is good though, that the feeling is rare, for it is tiresome and strength sapping to feel powerless often.
I know that this has probably made very little sense and has wasted a good five minutes of your time if you were unfortunate enough to read it. Yet some how I am not apologetic anymore. I have said what I feel in the best words I could find to convey my message. It does not have a moral, there is no way you can apply it to your life. It is simply a grammatical ride through my emotions. Honestly it has not made me feel better to write this and my throat is still tight and there are still butterflies in m stomach. I will sleep fitfully tonight and wake up with the same things on my mind. Still, my feeling now has a name and that is saying something.
1 comment:
Your thoughts are deep and they resound with me. I need more insight into the motivation behind this feeling, though! :) Call me!
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