The Feeling of Alone-ness

When I have spent hours and all my energy trying to fall asleep, I come to a place in my mind that I call "alone-ness". It is not a real word, of course, but it is a feeling. I have tried to catalog this feeling many times: is it depression? Is it sadness? No, it is neither, it is alone-ness. There is no one else there, no one else that can see inside the depths of my mind, only me. I will lay in my bed and think about things that do not need to be thought about in the early hours of the morning. But mostly I ponder my state of being alone.

People say they are "alone" when they are not married, or dating or involved with someone. But being alone is far more than just being deprived of a lover. Alone-ness is something that is so deeply imbedded in the heart; you could be surrounded by the multitudes and still feel the hard clutch of aloneness. I spend my time loving others, wanting them to feel excepted and special, feeding them compassion like it was medicine.

Yet on those days when I fall, when I reach the very rock bottom, I am alone. To the left, to the right, there is no one within a mile of my bleeding heart, the love and compassion I have lavished on others is lost on me. I could cry out, I could beg for love from those who are closest to my heart. I do not cry out often though, and perhaps it is only my pride that keeps me from doing so. Or maybe the reason is that when I am finally overcome by the need for help, this thing called companionship, I find myself alone. There are none to answer my cries. For reasons unknown and unrevealed to me, I am alone.

Lying alone in the dark, when gutteral cries are silenced only by exhaustion, I feel this alone-ness. I lay there and bare my heart to the only One who hears my cries. No one can share my misery, no one can share my comfort, no one can share the intimacy I feel when I am in this state; lost in thought and raw emotion, wetting my pillow with salt and water. Though they can be painful sometimes I cherish these moments of alone-ness, holding them close until the next sun rises and I give up my futile attempts at sleep.